


Delete Me, Repeat Me, Let's Try This Again

by coloursflyaway



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 18:14:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9619238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coloursflyaway/pseuds/coloursflyaway
Summary: Dirk is in love with Todd, that much is clear.The question is what Todd intends to do with that information.





	

**Author's Note:**

> ....two fics in three days, and both over 6000 words.   
>  That was unexpected, to say the least.

„You know, Todd“, Dirk starts, tilts his head in a way that makes him seem smaller, younger than he is. “I quite adore you.”  
He says it like he is talking about the weather, stating a fact, and maybe Todd should be used to the feeling of having the breath knocked out of his very lungs by now, but he isn’t. Because Dirk’s expression hasn’t changed a bit, he’s still looking at Todd like he’s a mystery he hasn’t quite figured out, a constant source of amazement, excitement and a hint of frustration.   
Because Dirk doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve, but right in those blue eyes of his, unguarded and unashamed. It’s a bit too much for Todd to take sometimes.

His cheeks aren’t burning, but definitely feeling warmer than they ought to; it might be embarrassment, might be something else colouring them. Dirk has to notice, but doesn’t say a thing, only keeps a half-forgotten smile on his lips, that Todd knows will follow him into his dreams. He doesn’t say anything about the seconds that pass without an answer either.   
“Thanks”, Todd replies eventually, just because he has to say _something_ , and tries his best to ignore the look Farah gives him. “That’s – thanks.”

It’s the worst possible reaction Todd could give, and yet Dirk’s half-smile blooms into a full one, all of the universe’s suns shining out of his eyes, gives a little nod and turns away. Like he never expected for Todd to say the words back, just wanted him to know, and like it’s more than enough for Dirk to have his… affection known, like reciprocation is not only unthinkable, but also not important.   
Either might be true, and either might be the reason why Todd’s heart suddenly feels a bit like it’s breaking.

 

The thing is that, if Todd is honest with himself, something he has little to no experience with and is only just figuring out how to do, he knows he could say the words back easily. He isn’t quite sure what it is he feels for Dirk, some bizarre mixture of affection, exasperation and deeply felt gratitude, laced with looks he shoots in the other man’s direction when Dirk isn’t looking and the way the world feels a little bit brighter when Dirk is around.   
All in all, Todd thinks, _adore_ doesn’t seem so wrong a word to describe what he feels when he looks at the other, though maybe not the completely right one either.  
And yet, when they part ways in front of the Ridgely, he only offers a simple _goodnight_ and an awkward pat on Dirk’s shoulder and leaves.

He doesn’t understand it, not quite, and yet is both relieved and regretful when he shuts the door to his apartment behind himself. He’s not Dirk, he doesn’t get hunches, doesn’t know how the universe works, but he’s old enough to know when he has missed a chance.

 

The next day starts before Todd is properly awake, with knocking on the door and a too-bright smile smiled into his direction, a paper cup with coffee shoved into his face while Dirk walks into his flat like he owns it, plops down on the sofa. In his hand, there’s a clear plastic cup with some bright green concoction inside, more whipped cream than Todd has ever seen on a single drink on top of it.  
“- as I was saying”, Dirk starts, although he hasn’t been saying anything, as far as Todd is aware. “I think we really should check out a forest today. Not a special one, mind you, just the general thing. The general concept of forests, if you will. I don’t know about you, but I woke up with a particularly good feeling about forests today.”

Dirk looks at him like he expects an answer, so Todd takes a big gulp of his coffee, only to realise it’s still far too hot.   
“… good morning, Dirk”, he tries when his brain refuses to come up with anything even close to an acceptable reply. It seems to be a good enough substitute.  
“Good morning to you too, Todd”, Dirk chirps back, shifts so he can look at him properly. “It’s very nice of you to join me in this conversation. Far more satisfying to have someone talk back to you instead of just staring at you.”  
“….yes.”  
It’s still too early, or maybe just not late enough for Todd’s brain; he takes another sip of his coffee, only to realise that it tastes different than he thought it would, still bitter, but with a lingering sweetness hidden just underneath.

“Is there… is there vanilla syrup in this?”, he asks, probably sounding as confused and dumb as he feels.    
“Well, _duh_ ”, Dirk answers, looking at Todd with something akin to fond exasperation directed at a particularly silly-acting pet. “That’s how you prefer it, don’t you? Black coffee – which is _disgusting_ , by the way – with one pump of vanilla syrup. Not two, just one. Why would I get you anything else?”  
“Because you shouldn’t even know how I drink my coffee.”  
“Todd, honestly, now you are being perfectly absurd. Of course I know how you drink your coffee! We’ve had coffee together before after all.”

He’s right, even if it takes Todd a couple of moments to remember just when such a thing could have happened. His brain finally finds the appropriate memory from two or three months ago when Amanda had dragged them all to a Starbucks, because she had apparently infected the Rowdy 3 with her love for extremely overpriced and too-sugary coffee-esque drinks.

“And you remembered that?”, he asks, still stupefied, because he most likely couldn’t name a single ingredient making up the drink in Dirk’s hand.   
“Of course! I’m a detective, it’s my job to know things. Well, sometimes, at least.” His expression changes, becomes softer somehow, a gentle sunrise in rose gold and pink instead of the beaming midday sun usually shining out of his smiles. “And I pay attention when it comes to you.”  
Again, Dirk says it like it’s the most mundane, obvious of things, as interesting as news about the stock exchange he read in the papers this morning, and Todd realises that while his brain might still be half asleep, his heart isn’t; it picks up its pace, pumps more blood to his cheeks than is strictly needed.   
“…thanks, Dirk”, he replies, and it’s the worst of answers once more, only that Dirk doesn’t seem to notice. He looks just as happy, as content as before, turns back with a little hum and takes a sip from his drink.   
“Anyway, what I wanted to talk to you about, Todd. Forests. How do you feel about them this fine morning?”

 

They end up in a forest, of course, and Todd cannot even find it in him to be surprised anymore. It’s nice here too, the ground covered in moss and fallen leaves, the tall trees somehow closing them off from the rest of the world, so it’s just the three of them, Dirk, Farah and him.   
“Are we actually looking for anything, Dirk?”, Farah asks; she’s still the one who has the most problems with actually believing in Dirk’s methods.   
“Of course!”, the other exclaims with the enthusiasm Todd has come to expect from him. “We are always looking for something, Farah!”  
She seems about to ask what exactly it is they are searching, but then thinks better of it; a wise choice in Todd’s opinion.   
“When you have found it, just yell really loud, will you?”, Dirk asks, then turns around before they can answer, almost skipping away in what seems like a random direction. Knowing Dirk, it most likely isn’t.

It leaves him and Farah on their own, Farah, who looks a little bit lost and finally takes off her jacket to spread it on the ground, sitting down.   
“He’s… he’s something, isn’t he?”, she asks after a second, looking up at Todd, a rather unusual feeling.   
“Absolutely”, he replies and falls down onto the ground next to her with less than a third of her elegance. “Not quite sure what he is, but he’s definitely that and probably not bad at it.”  
“Probably not.”  
There are a few moments of surprisingly comfortable silence, then Farah turns so she can properly face him, dark eyes obviously searching for something they do not find in his face.

“You know that he’s head over heels for you, don’t you?”, she asks, and oh, she finds it now, Todd can see it in her changing expression before he had processed what she has said.   
“Yes”, he finally answers, far more quickly than he expected to, because it’s a scary thing somehow, hearing what he has known to be true for quite some time now spoken aloud. “He’s not very subtle. As in, I don’t think he ever intended to hide… it.”  
“Well, what are you going to do about it?”  
“…nothing?”  
It’s quite not the right answer, that much is clear the second Farah raises a perfect eyebrow, looks at him with pursed lips.   
“Nothing?”, she repeats, and Todd feels himself wither under her gaze, although he hasn’t done anything wrong, as far as he’s aware.   
“Yes?”

Farah is looking at him like he has grown a second head in the few seconds that have passed since they started having this conversation, and although Todd would very much like her to stop, he doesn’t quite know how to make her.   
“Let me get this straight”, Farah starts, her eyes still searching for clues in Todd’s expression. “Dirk Gently, your best friend, is wildly in love with you and your reaction to that is nothing. _Nothing_.”  
Todd is the first to admit that, at least if put like this, it sounds slightly ridiculous, but it’s the only plan he’s got, so he nods mutely.   
For a moment, he almost expects Farah to slap him, but then the woman just groans, looks away from him at last.   
“Of course it is”, she mutters, but more than to herself than him while she pushes herself up easily. “Why did I even expect anything else? _Nothing_. Obviously. What else?”

She leaves without looking back.

 

They end up finding something, or rather, Todd stumbles over a stone and falls face-first onto it.   
It’s a small chest filled with all kinds of different coins, some rusty, some possibly made from gold; none of it is surprising, not the way he found it and definitely not that Dirk immediately declares that they have to find the owner of what he calls a treasure.   
Not the way Dirk beams at him, like Todd hasn’t just accidentally discovered a new case, but turned the world upside down, made it spin faster just to please him. Not even the pleasant warmth spreading from Todd’s stomach through his limbs, right to the very tips of his fingers, manifesting itself on his face as a smile.   
And not the looks Farah keeps giving him, like she knows he is making a horrible mistake.

 

“-and then Todd found the treasure. All on his own too! He’s a great assistant, really, you should be very proud of your brother, Amanda”, Dirk tells Todd’s sister, using twice as many gestures as a tale like this would need.   
They’re back in Todd’s flat, two days later, mercifully without the presence of the Rowdy 3 this time. Not that the four of them are far away; if Todd sits up a little straighter, he can see their van parked out on the street, and even without trying to listen, he can hear the distinct sound of the terrible, absolutely horrible music he has come to expect from them.  
“It really wasn’t that big a deal, Dirk”, Todd butts in, because it wasn’t. “I fell on it.”  
Amanda snorts, not even trying to hide her amusement, while Dirk almost looks a little bit offended on Todd’s behalf.   
“Well, you fell on it very skilfully, if you ask me”, Dirk replies with a voice that leaves no room for arguments. “You really need to stop selling yourself short, Todd, it’s very unbecoming.”

“Okay”, Todd can’t help but smile, even as he holds up his hands in surrender. “I’ll try.”  
“I don’t want you to try, I want you to do it!”, Dirk exclaims, most likely trying to sound annoyed, but failing spectacularly.   
“Alright, alright, calm down, I promise”, Todd interrupts him before he can say anything more, reaching over to grab his bottle of beer. The words seem to placate Dirk, a smile stealing onto his lips again.   
Something Todd is sure won’t ever fail to amaze him is how easily, how completely his friend’s emotions can change within a few seconds, how they seem to overtake him and leave him raw and something like vulnerable. He’s not sure if he envies Dirk or if it worries him.   
“See, this is why we are such great friends”, Dirk comments, pats Todd on the shoulder and leaves a warm spot when he pulls his hand away again, a grin on his face. “When one of us has a good idea, the other one doesn’t mind going along with it.”  
“You mean, when you have an idea, you won’t stop pestering me until I agree”, Todd corrects him, raises an eyebrow.   
“Well, wasn’t that what I said?”, Dirk replies, and Todd knows him well enough by now to know that this time, the innocence in his big, blue eyes is nothing but pretence, playfulness shining through.   
Todd snorts, takes a gulp from his beer and Dirk drops the act with a blink and a coy look, a smile appearing on his face, making him look radiant.   
Todd smiles back.

  
They’re in the kitchen, Todd fixing some sandwiches, while Dirk is busy telling Farah everything about a case he once solved in Scotland, Nepal and Switzerland at once, and Amanda picks at the label of her beer bottle as she leans against the wall, looking pensive. It’s a look Todd is not used to on her face anymore, and he’s about to ask what’s on her mind, when she finally looks up at him.  
“I didn’t realise you two were so close”, she says and Todd promptly cuts into his finger instead of the pickle. It hurts, but not enough to really get his attention right now.   
“What.”  
“You and Dirk. I knew you were friends, but not like this. I guess I just didn’t think you’d let anyone in so quickly. But he makes it easy, doesn’t he?” Amanda smiles a little bit, picks at the label again and lets the bits and pieces of paper tumble to the ground. “Especially for you.”

The vinegar stings on the cut, but Todd still hardly notices as he turns around to look at his sister, expecting her to be teasing. But she’s not, the smile on her lips a sweet one, her eyes soft; Todd isn’t sure if she is thinking about Dirk and him, but somehow doesn’t think so. After all, it’s not just him who found new friends.   
The flat out refusal dies right there on the tip of Todd’s tongue, because he knows Amanda would be able to see through him anyway.   
“He does”, Todd answers instead, and Amanda nods, like he asked a question. “And we’re close somehow. I don’t – I’m not quite sure to be honest.”

Amanda opens her mouth and Todd never has hunches like Dirk has, no premonitions, and yet knows what she is about to say; he doesn’t want to hear it.   
“And I know”, he says, before she can. “That he is – that Dirk has – “  
“- that he is in love with you, you mean”, Amanda finishes the sentence for him and ruins Todd’s plan with nine simple words. They come like a series of blows, leave him breathless and yet he nods.   
“Yes.”  
“I was pretty sure you did”, she comments with another nod, finally stops fiddling with her bottle. “He is rather obvious, really. Mooning over you like you’ve hung the stars, which, no offence, you really haven’t.”  
“I know.”

He doesn’t mean to sound as unhappy about it as he does, and yet cannot quite do anything against it; it just happens.   
“And you… don’t reciprocate his feelings”, Amanda say slowly, like she can’t quite comprehend what she is hearing. “Is that what you are trying to tell me?”  
“Yes. No. I don’t know.”  
And he really doesn’t, not really, and looking at Amanda now, he has to admit another thing: Even if he did, Todd wouldn’t know what to do. Because his sister might have found someone, four someones, who make her happy, but it’s Amanda and Amanda has everything to give, and there are a million reasons to give Amanda everything. Todd is just starting to figure out how much of himself he can stand, and even if he can see that Dirk is in love with him, he doesn’t know what he has done to deserve this kind of devotion, apart from not always being a complete asshole.

“Then you should really figure it out, bro”, Amanda tells him and drags Todd away from more thoughts about his various flaws and mistakes. “Because honestly, I am pretty sure that Dirk’s gonna wait forever for you to decide too, because that’s just who he is, but it would be a fucking shitty thing to do. And you don’t need more of those on your list.”

 

Todd finishes the sandwiches and they return to the living room, Dirk looking up briefly to smile at the pair, a cheerful curl of lips, at least until he sees paper towel wrapped around the cut on Todd’s pointer finger. It’s a makeshift thing, makes everything look far more serious than it is, but Amanda insisted on it when the cut wouldn’t stop bleeding. Seeing Dirk’s expression, though, Todd wishes he had refused anyway.   
“Did you hurt yourself?”, Dirk asks, getting up immediately, although Todd is sure the other hasn’t yet reached the end of the tale he was telling Farah. He looks worried, unduly so, and Todd just shakes his head.   
“It’s nothing, the knife just slipped.”  
“Let me see.”

There is something strange about seeing Dirk so serious all of a sudden and all because of a definitely not fatal cut, so strange in fact, that Todd doesn’t put up a fight at all, just hands Amanda the sandwiches and holds out his hand.   
Dirk’s fingers are gentle when they remove the bandage, flitting across Todd’s palm a few times by accident and making the skin tingle.   
“Oh well, you’re right”, Dirk finally comments when he can see the cut, still dabs at the dried blood coating it with a clean end of the paper towel. “Let me just…”  
He reaches into his jacket, and manages to actually surprise Todd by pulling out a band-aid in a distinctly familiar colour.

“Pink?”, Todd asks, both amused and absurdly touched. “Really?”  
When Dirk meets his eyes, he looks sheepish, a subtle blush staining his cheeks.   
“I guess you could say I got quite, uh, attached to band-aids of this colour”, the other replies, seems to search for permission in Todd’s face.   
He gives it with a smile, and Dirk relaxes, visibly so; when he wraps the band-aid around the cut, his fingers tremble ever so slightly.

 

Farah and Amanda eventually leave, his sister joining her bunch of dangerous looking energy-vampires in their van, Farah getting into the new car she bought from Lydia Spring’s money; Dirk stays, because he passed out on Todd’s sofa.   
It must have been sometime between Todd’s second and third beer, Dirk just slowly getting more and more quiet, until he stopped saying anything at all, something so unusual that it had alerted all three of them. But he’d only been sound asleep, nothing else, somehow looking even younger, even more innocent than when awake. A little less like chaos poured into human form as well.

The two women had simultaneously decided that it was time to go home, leaving Todd alone with an auburn-haired holistic detective curled up on his sofa, practically cuddling with one of the cushions. He could have woken Dirk up, of course, could have told him to go home, but as much of an asshole Todd can be, he couldn’t bring himself to do that.   
And it’s not as if he minded Dirk staying after all.

The question of what he feels for the other man flits across his mind as Todd drapes a blanket over his friend’s sleeping form, but he’s tired and too tipsy to follow that train of thought, maybe too scared as well. So he doesn’t, just dims the lights, but doesn’t quite turn them off so the change won’t risk Dirk up, kicks off his jeans before hopping onto his bed.   
If he gives Dirk a last glance before closing his eyes, no one has to know.

 

There is a loud bang echoing through the flat, and Todd is wide awake, jolting up and already prepared to see the Rowdy 3 and his sister wreaking havoc on his apartment once more. The only thing his tired eyes find though, is an utterly confused Dirk Gently looking up at him with wide eyes.  
“Todd?”, the other asks, and Todd nods, because he is, in fact, present. “What are you doing here? Or rather, I think, what am I doing here?”  
“You fell asleep last night. On the sofa”, Todd explains, his voice rough with sleep. He rubs a hand across his face, knowing that it’s too late now; he’s awake and Dirk is in the same room as him, so more sleep is definitely not an option. “I didn’t want to wake you.”  
“So… I slept here?”, Dirk asks, as if couldn’t quite believe it, and Todd nods, decides that, if he won’t get more sleep, there is no reason to stay in bed any longer either.

He throws back the blanket, gets up and stretches; when he looks back at Dirk, there is the faintest hint of pink on his cheeks, and the other won’t quite meet his eye.   
Suddenly, Todd is very aware of the fact that he is only wearing a shirt and boxer shorts.   
“Do you – like, want breakfast?”, he asks because it’s the first thing he can think of, and Dirk nods.   
“That would be lovely, yes, thank you, Todd”, he answers, too many words for such a simple question.   
The pink still hasn’t left his cheeks.

 

They end up side by side, Dirk cooking some absolutely edible eggs while Todd makes coffee. The tension from before melts away easily, is replaced by the occasional chatter and smile and fleeting, warm touch.   
The closest word Todd can find for it is _domestic_ , and surprisingly enough, that doesn’t scare him.

 

It becomes… not a regular thing, because that would suggest some kind of pattern behind it, but it becomes a thing that happens. Sometimes, usually after cases, Dirk falls asleep on his sofa, and Todd wakes up to his friend making breakfast, to the door being shut as quietly as possible and yet not quietly enough and Dirk standing there, looking sheepish, with a cup of coffee for Todd in one and a brightly coloured shake in his other hand, to the shower running and a soft, pleasant, familiar voice singing tunes he has never heard before.   
And it’s nice, there is no other word for it, it’s nice to spend time with Dirk, even if Todd still occasionally wants to strangle him, it’s nice to wake up to coffee and sometimes also singing, it’s nice to know that there is someone apart from his family out there who enjoys his company.

Dirk seems to enjoy it too, Todd can tell because while he doesn’t stay over a lot, it happens too often to be accidental; when Todd wakes up the next morning, the other somehow seems more cheerful than usual, although he wonders how that much is possible from time to time. But in those mornings, a supernova is born behind Dirk’s eyes, shining out of every look and smile and making his skin feel twice as warm when Todd accidentally touches him.   
It’s love, and if Todd had somehow managed to miss it, he’d see it now, because it’s painted across Dirk’s face, no, his entire body in big bold strokes, colouring every of his movements. And maybe it’s more than that, maybe it’s hope slowly mixing into it, and Todd couldn’t blame him if it was.

But there’s that question he still hasn’t answered, the one about his own feelings concerning Dirk, and the one that gets more pressing with every sunny smile Dirk throws at him, every time he wakes up and knows the that the other is around because the world seems just that little bit brighter.   
Amanda keeps throwing him more and more meaningful glances when she sees the two of them together, Farah has taken to passive-aggressive sighing and even the Rowdy 3 seem to have noticed, judging by the increasing wreckage around the Ridgely and the trampled roses Todd occasionally finds stuffed under his doormat.   
None of it is helping, exactly, but all makes one thing clearer and clearer: He can’t run forever.

 

It takes half a bottle of whiskey and one and a half hours and Todd is calling Amanda’s number. It rings, the sound shrill in a way he is not used to, rings and rings, and just when Todd is already certain that he’ll end up in his sister’s voice mail, Amanda picks up.   
He should say hello, explain the situation, but he’s been thinking for too long and is more than afraid that the courage to ask her this simple question will leave him if he doesn’t ask it and asks it now, so instead, he blurts it out the second the ringing stops.

“Amanda, what if I don’t love him back?”, he asks, words slurred just slightly, and he could kiss his sister when her answer isn’t her asking what the fuck he is talking about.   
“Then you don’t love him back”, she says instead, yawns. “I mean, it would suck for Dirk, obviously, but shit happens and it’s not like you’ve got any control over it. If you don’t love him, you don’t love him, and he’ll get over it.”  
“But it would ruin everything”, Todd answers, absolutely aware that he is sounding as pathetic as he feels. “Even if I don’t love him, I like him. You know?”  
“Yeah. Well. Tell him you want to stay friends, then. I’d suggest you do that anyway, to be honest, because I don’t think he’d recover if you didn’t want to be his friend anymore, and I don’t think you’d recover from what Farah, the Rowdy 3 and I would do to you if that happened.”

It’s a threat, it definitely is, but a completely justified one.  Todd doesn’t think he’d recover from whatever he’d do to himself, if he ever did anything like that.   
“Of course I want to stay friends with him”, he tells Amanda, although his voice doesn’t sound quite as firm and steady as he’d like it to. “He’s my best friend.”  
“Well, good then”, Amanda says, like she is about to hang up on him, and Todd cannot let that happen, not yet.   
“But I don’t want to break his heart!”, he says quickly, holds the phone tighter. “He – he doesn’t deserve that.”  
“Then don’t.”  
“But what if I don’t love him back? I’d have to. I can’t continue to – you know, to – but I don’t know if I could do it. Tell him.”

There are a few seconds of silence and then Amanda sighs softly.   
“You mean you can’t continue to lead him on?”, she asks, but she has lost the slightly aggressive tone, sounds almost gentle instead.   
Todd nods, before remembering that she cannot see him.   
“Yes.”  
Another sigh, but one that doesn’t sound annoyed, instead almost fond.   
“Todd, you’re my brother and I love you”, she starts, “But sometimes you can be such an idiot. How about you stop thinking about what could happen if you don’t love him back and consider what could happen if you do?”

 

What could happen if Todd loves Dirk back: a confession and a kiss, maybe more than one. Long talks about how to make this work in the future, snuggling under the covers, holding hands above them, more kisses and anything but boring, boring sex. Waking up next to Dirk instead of just in the same room as him, maybe not just from time to time, but permanently. Every day.  
Coming home to find someone waiting for him or coming home with someone who won’t have to leave again. Fighting, but making up again, arguing about who forgot to buy new milk and who killed their potted plants, cleaning the kitchen together and messing it up again. Kissing Dirk while he tastes of chocolate cake and pasta sauce and before they both got up and brushed their teeth.   
Finding out how the other looks like when he’s sick, when he’s angry, when he woke up from a nightmare, but also how he looks when he comes, when he laughs so hard there are tears streaming down his face, when he wakes up and feels safe.   
Allowing someone else to see him as he is, no excuses, no pretence, no lies, and to see someone else the same way, to find out if their flaws and imperfections fit together, complement another or drive them apart. Loving someone. Finally, maybe, happiness.

 

What could happen if Todd loves Dirk back: a confession and a kiss, maybe more than one. Long talks about how to make this work in the future, snuggling under the covers, holding hands above them, more kisses and anything but boring, boring sex. Waking up next to Dirk until he doesn’t want to anymore, or until Dirk doesn’t want to.   
Coming home to find that it’s not the place it should be anymore, because the person waiting for him is not the one he wants to come home to. Fighting and fighting and trying to make up again, but not succeeding because a hint of resentment lingers, always, and neither of them can shake it.   
Kissing Dirk and thinking of someone else, or something else, or Dirk doing so.  
Finding out how the other looks like when he is screaming or crying or breaking down, how he looks when he is begging or refusing or leaving.   
Allowing someone to see him as he is, no excuses, no pretence, no lies, and to see someone else the same way, to find out that their flaws and imperfections don’t fit together, don’t complement each other but them drive apart. Loving someone and feeling that change. In the end, ruining everything.

 

His heart shouldn’t be able to beat at this frequency; Todd thinks as he knocks on Dirk’s door. No heart should be able to do that, it cannot be healthy, at least not considering how light-headed Todd feels, how close to passing out. He’s had pararibulitis attacks less painful.   
Maybe, he thinks, Dirk isn’t home, and the thought is more of a relief than it has any right to be, because he is doing this out of his own volition, no one forced him to. And yet it is, and yet his heart plummets while still beating out a tango on its way from Todd’s chest to his feet when Dirk opens the door, hair still dishevelled, but face lighting up when he sees him.   
And really, Todd thinks now, when his impossible heart picks up its pace even further, he could have known the answer to his question for months now. He isn’t quite sure if he wishes he had.

“Todd, how lovely to see you”, Dirk greets and smiles at him, and would undoubtedly say more, if he could.   
There was a whole speech planned, mainly about how much he is and was and will be an idiot, but that he has come to the conclusion that he has been just as head over heels for Dirk as Dirk is for him for months now, and that, if Dirk wanted to as well, he would very much like to see where this could lead. As long as they could somehow make a promise that they’d stay friends if it didn’t work out.   
The speech would have been beautiful, passionate and, dare he say it, romantic, but stays an eventuality only, because Dirk smiles, and every word Todd has come up with vanishes, until there is nothing left anymore but the absolute certainty that the choice he made was the right one.   
That he wants this, and wants this bumbling idiot, this mess of a man, this ridiculously-dressed ray of sunshine in every way the universe will allow it.

And because his brain is empty save for that, save for wanting, his body takes over, brings him closer within half a second, reaches out to put both hands on Dirk’s cheeks and pull him down enough so Todd can bring their lips together.   
It’s not a perfect kiss, far from it, because Dirk is frozen and Todd is shocked by his own actions, but Dirk’s lips are soft and warm against his and not everything is meant to be perfect right from the start, somethings are just meant to be.

They break apart, or rather, Todd lets go of Dirk, who stays in position for another few moments before standing up straight, eyes even wider than usual, his cheeks a bright pink. His hand comes up to touch his own lips and Todd is breathing so rapidly he feels like he’s about to start hyperventilating if Dirk doesn’t say _something_ soon.

“That-“, Dirk finally breathes out, the word uttered so softly it hardly makes it past the fingertips still pressed to the other’s lips. “What was that?”  
“A kiss”, Todd answers, although it’s stupid, because of course Dirk knows that much. But it’s the best he can do, especially with the rising desperation clawing at his throat.   
“Obviously”, Dirk replies, but without the usual bite to his tone; if Todd didn’t know better, he’d say that Dirk was as breathless as him. “But… but why?”  
It might be cruel and cruel might be exactly what Todd is trying not to be, but a chuckle escapes his lips; at least he wasn’t the only person left oblivious when it comes to his feelings.   
“Because it might have taken months and my sister and far too much alcohol for me to see it, but it appears that I am – that I have – oh fuck it, that I am absolutely gone for you. And I think you might be just as gone for me.”

Dirk is gaping at him, his blush having intensified to a burning, almost unhealthy looking red, the colour seeping down his neck, and for a wild, ridiculous, hopeful second, Todd thinks he might be able to find out just how far it goes soon. Because Dirk swallows hard, blinks twice as if making sure he's not dreaming and takes a cautious, tiny step forwards.   
“You are?”, he asks, and it’s his voice which makes it real, because Dirk sounds raw and vulnerable and awed and hopeful; Todd recognises the feelings, because he’s got their twins constricting his throat, clenching around his heart.   
“Yeah”, he answers softly, truthfully, dares to make a small step as well.

“That’s… that’s good to hear”, Dirk mutters into the space between them, like he is contemplating how it got there, then reaches out, hand hovering for a few moments before it settles on Todd’s chest, right over his treacherous, loving heart. When Dirk looks up again, he’s still blushing, but there is a hint of that smile Todd kissed off his mouth before curling his lips again, playful now, a little shy. “Because you’re right. I am. Gone for you, that is.”  
There is nothing, not even a breath Todd lets out for several, long moments, then he dares to reach up once more, watching Dirk’s eyes and his heart through them as he strokes a fingers along the line of the other’s jaw before he cups his cheek. It’s just a hint of a contact and yet Todd’s skin tingles in that so familiar way, and yet Dirk’s eyes flutter closed and are darker when he opens them again, an invitation.

This time, when they kiss, it’s still not perfect, but so close to it that Todd isn’t sure he’d notice the difference.   


 

**Author's Note:**

> In case you want to say hi, send me a prompt, or tell me something nice, you can find me on Tumblr here:  
> [X](http://www.coloursflyaway.tumblr.com)


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